For this piece of writing I have been focusing on my vocabulary and punctuation. I have been learning to: -
- use a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning (Year ⅞)
- use all basic punctuation independently and attempt more complex punctuation (eg semicolons, colons, parentheses) (Year 7/8)
The pieces of my writing that are highlighted green are where I have shown my vocabulary and punctuation goal
Shots fired from a machine gun, smashing against the brick wall behind him, before he could even move, he got shot over 1000 times in the back of the head. He succumbs. Alex smashes down his Xbox controller in an angry rage.
He is in Liberia, in his bedroom, his curtains are closed, and he's alone, looking at the television intensely. If he lost this game of Call of Duty Black Ops 3 online, that would mean that he had lost a bet to this random guy that he's playing.
The bet was that if he lost he would have to jump into the lake that is closest to his house naked, so that is why he got so angry when he died in the game. To make matters worse, it was the middle of winter, and to make it even WORSE, that he didn't know, that it was (INFECTED WITH EBOLA!). He's concentrating 100%, on killing everyone and winning the whole entire game, and to make things even worse is that is girlfriend knows about the bet and if he loses she will break up with him (which... by the way she is 21 and he is 8½ and he met her online, he has faked his age and photo plus she hasn't even met him) and the other guys username is pickl3boy2256 and he is one of the highest ranks that you can get and Alex is near the highest but not there yet..
There goes a kill, then another one, but pickl3boy2256 is still 13 kills ahead, so he's gonna try twice as hard, but he's trying to hard, so he keeps dieing he’s trying different tactics. 5 mins till the game is over. He’s rushing but he die’s again, he's watching the time go down. he’s back up. There goes a headshot. Then he dies again, he's changing his tactics, so he changes from a sniper to a smg. He's got a 3 kill streak, but the time ran out it's loading the game has finished here comes the leaderboard i don't want to look the scoreboard comes up. Pickl3boy2256 has 53 kills and alex has 52 kills. He smashes his controller on the wall really hard and it shatters and there's a massive controler dent in the wall he's not happy, but pickl3boy2256 is so relieved that he didn't have to jump into the lake naked.
So here he is, he has a towel around him, he's about to jump into this slimy oozing green lake, that is just 21 minutes away from his house. His mom isnt home, so she doesn't even know about it unfortunately he has to be quick, he counts himself down 3,2,1 go! SPLASH! He turned green straight away from the slime that was in the lake. Then he quickly jumps out, his whole body is Green and all slimy he said to himself “Jeez I wish I didn't do this now!” he gets home. Then a week passed and that whole week he felt these symptoms, Nausea and vomiting, diarrhea(and it was bloody), red eyes, raised rash, chest pain and a cough, stomach pain, severe weight loss, bleeding usually from the eyes and bruising. So his mum decided to take him to the doctor to see what was wrong with him so they are on there way to going there and on the radio there was and alert the person said alert alert there is a ebola BREAK OUT these are the symptoms… and they are the same symptoms as what he has been having. His mum starts getting worried she is shaking sooooooooooo much and Alex see’s her shaking he asks “mom what's wrong?” she says “nothing dear i'm just cold.”Alex says “JEEZ!!! Mom you must be Very cold.” “I am darling, I am.” We’re there she runs inside and they come sprinting out to get him but they said he's had it too long and won't survive and they put a time on it they said the time that he has remaining is 2 days and they said that he has to stay here so then she stays with him but they had to stay in different rooms but that night she starts bleeding from the eyes and she couldn't sleep that whole night but…
In the morning the nurse comes up to her and it wasn't good news the news was that he had died at 3 am in the morning and she Breaks out in tears she can't believe it, a week later there is a funeral for him and all his friends’ and everyone came.